Friday, February 27, 2015

Hiatuses and Hyacinths

So I haven't written a blog in a while. Why that is, I have trouble articulating, which for a writer, is a rather debilitating problem. It isn't that I haven't been writing. I have been quite a lot. But I haven't been writing blogs or what I consider little diary entries that I hope you find traction and peace inside of. The truth is, and this is such an awful excuse, I've been caught up, in a crazy, whirlwind, nonstop, graduating a semester early kinda way. It is no excuse to not write, I should have written, but I haven't. And now that you're done listening to me ramble on about my writing guilt, I'd like to talk about some things. 

I'm taking a literary theory class this semester, which for anyone who hasn't taken one, let me just say, is a daily dose of mindfucking. Which is good every now and then; snowglobes need shaking. Twice a week, however, is getting to be a bit much. Literary theory is rooted in the idea that everything is a construct but primarily, the construct of identity. In every sense of the world. So what I'm getting at is, on Tuesdays and Thursdays, we talk with Dr. Wardi about how everything we know to be "true" is actually just a convenient way of maintaining hierarchical power structures. This has got me thinking about a lot of things, everything to be precise. We choose to believe certain things because it makes life easier. We choose to believe in certain ideas because we trust that maybe, in its heart of hearts, the world isn't so bad. 

And you know, I don't think it is the world at all. All this time, we've been cursing the Earth as if its sacred crust has something to do with our obscene behavior. As if, the Earth asked to be raped, pillaged, and colonized by a brief history of violent humans. But you know, I don't think its that human beings are inherently evil, either. What I think it is, is that we are addicted convenience. It is convenient, for now, for things to remain a certain way. But what we fail to recognize, is that our convenience comes at the expense of someone else's suffering, someone else's poverty, someone else's oppression as well as the suffering, poverty, and oppression of the earth. Do you see why I haven't been writing? Do you see how heavy this shit is? 

Two years ago at this time, I thought a lot about women and feminism and what it meant to be equal. Nowadays, I realize it is a lot bigger than votes and dollars and cents and policies and rape culture. It stems from the mindset that the Earth is for our consumption exclusively, when in fact, we are just a species, a blip on the radar of the Earth's lifetime. I know this is some real high brow hippie bullshit, I know, I know, I know. But bare with me, please. I think it all intersects, the bad things, racism, classism, sexism, the destruction of the earth and I know, I'm not the first person to think this. But education is meaningful, it is the best tool we have. It means thinking, reflecting, learning, and unlearning the supposed truths of the world. It starts with the question, "What is true?" and works backwards. So I implore you, as I have been constantly been imploring myself, to think about truth, capitalized or not, and what it means to you. The injustices of the world must have originally stemmed from the idea that my truth is greater than yours, that my worth is more valuable than yours, that my identity is somehow more special than yours. And now, truth is just a word we apply to things that we want to last, to grow roots. 

So, as I struggle to make sense of myself and my life in this made up world of "ours", these are my growing and ungrowing truths: I don't want to judge you anymore than I want you to judge me, I hope that we can find common ground, and if we can't, I still want you to flourish and prosper in this brief and beautiful life. I love, I am loved, and I think love is the best answer we have. I also think love could destroy the world, it is atomic and should be handled carefully. I don't think this world belongs more to humans than any other species, and its fucked up that we act that way. I'm not tired of thinking so much, I am just scared that people who have power don't think enough, don't see enough, don't stop to look around enough. Words build the world we understand, thus they determine whether we make it better or make it worse. That being said, I finally trust that what I want to do with my life is important, at least for other people who are reading and writing and learning and listening to the whispers between door slams. 

So I am now 21, I have been on a blog writing hiatus, and these crazy thoughts are why...please share your truths with me :)

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