I remember taking voice lessons years ago and singing a song called, "The Girl I Mean to Be." At the time I thought it was whiny and annoying and just wanted to sing, "A Part of Your World." But, lately, I've been thinking about The Girl I Mean to Be and the one I actually am...
She is patient, so patient. Unbelievably patient. She relaxs, sits quietly as the world falls to chaos on all sides of her. She doesn't believe in waiting or anticipating, she goes about her life knowing that good things come in time. She doesn't snap on her brother for trying to give her sensible advice, even if he is only twelve.
She makes good decisions. She doesn't justify stupid actions with completely irrelevant accomplishments. She says no and when and stop and stay and go away at all of the appropriate times. She says sorry, she is excellent at saying sorry. She, hypothetically speaking, never swims in the wrong pool at the wrong time or drinks too much liquor or tells God to not look at her right now.
She is smart, but not like me. She is smart because of constantly planning ahead and prioritizing and making lists and knowing what is coming next. She is not the champion of the last minute, she is not a procrastinator. She fucking loves lists.
She is sane. She knows how to do sensible things like breathe in and out and not flip the fuck out. She makes careful calculated decisions and does not fly by the seat of her soffe shorts. She has never screamed at someone in a parking lot or a driveway or a moving vehicle or thrown shoes or fists (again, completely hypothetical) She likes to talk things out. She likes to know the opinions of others and how they are interpreting the situation. Power and control are not things she thinks about. She isn't a crazy bitch, but hey...
She is never cold and never distant. She is warm to everyone she meets and, yet, she doesn't make bad judgement calls. She knows when someone is no good and she will recognize it immediately. She can read people, she doesn't trust the bad people & that allows her to trust the good people.
She is faithful. In God. In a truly remarkable way. She doesn't question his will or find herself angry with him when things don't go the way she predicted or hoped or expected. She leans on him beyond reason or sensibility or logic; she doesn't run away from him when she's damaged or bruised or full of darkness. She brings her pain and her mistakes to him and she lets him heal her. She trusts in him, always.
The Girl I Mean to Be would never tell you these things about herself though, she is too modest. She is just too...perfect. She is perfect, and that is why the Girl I Mean to Be isn't and will never be me.
The Girl I Mean to Be would never run a ridiculous amount of miles because she doesn't want to deal with her problems or because thats how she deals with her problems. Therefore, I can definitely outrun The Girl I Mean to Be. Also, because of this nonsense, she definitely doesn't have calluses all over her feet, some might even call her feet pretty.
The Girl I Mean to Be would never say fuck as much as I say fuck. She is a "lady" and "ladies don't cuss." I am not a fucking lady, so that clears that up.
The Girl I Mean to Be would never fall for the wrong guy, the bad guy, the asshole, I don't know, whatever you want to call him. But I would and did and am a better woman because of it. She may be smarter but I'm tougher.
The Girl I Mean to Be wouldn't talk to God the way I talk to him. She wouldn't fight with him or cry to him or be stubborn and indecisive and unbearable. But he made me this way and that's why I get to talk to him the way we do. She is perfect, so...
The Girl I Mean to Be never wanders home at the wee hours, she never chips her manicures, she doesn't fuck shit up and if she does, she messes things up. She is pure of heart & mind & soul & body; but she just isn't me. I could stand to learn a lot from her & I plan to, every day for the rest of my life. And the Girl I Mean to Be will evolve, she'll grow up with me and she'll get new ideas and new plans and love new things and start new chapters. But we will always run parallel, never coinciding. She'll probably have a husband and two kids and a white picket fence but she won't be epic.
I'm going to be epic, and not in the Girl I Mean to Be way, in the Girl I'm Gonna Be way.